Let’s Face It: City Bars Are Overrated
Let’s be real for a second—Melbourne’s CBD bars are either too packed with pretentious bros in $500 suits or have waitlists longer than a Monday morning queue at your local 7-Eleven. But hold your hops, mates. The real magic happens in the suburbs, where the drinks are cheaper, the vibes are chill, and the bartenders don’t judge you for ordering a $12 beer and calling it a night. Spoiler: None of these bars require you to wear a tie or know what a “negroni” actually is. Let’s dive into the best bars in Melbourne suburbs that’ll make your city-hopping days a thing of the past.
Why Suburb Bars Are (Surprisingly) Better
- More Parking Than You Can Handle. No more sprinting across the street while clutching a glass of pinot grigio to avoid being trampled by a tourist on a Segway.
- Zero UwU Vibes. Suburb bars don’t care if you’re “curated” or “aesthetically aligned.” Just show up, order a drink, and maybe not ask for a “sour” unless you’re ready to explain why you can’t just drink something that tastes like it’s from a bottle.
- Happy Hour That Doesn’t Suck. While city bars charge you for the privilege of standing in a line, suburb spots actually give you discounts. Sometimes even during *weekdays*. Gasp!
Top 5 Bars in Melbourne Suburbs That Deserve a Standing Ovation
1. The Suburban Tap (Hawthorn)
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why is this beer $7 when it tastes like it came from a $2.50 six-pack?” then The Suburban Tap is your new best friend. Located in Hawthorn, this bar specializes in craft beers you’ve never heard of and a menu that includes things like “deep-fried everything” (because that’s how we roll). Pro tip: Order the “Tap Dog” flight—it’s six beers for the price of four, and it’s the only time you’ll ever feel like you’ve outsmarted capitalism.
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2. The Crafty Fox (Footscray)
Footscray’s The Crafty Fox is like that one friend who always knows the best underground raves but never tells anyone. It’s got a retro vibe, a killer jukebox, and bartenders who’ll remember your name after your third drink. Bonus: There’s a rooftop garden that’s perfect for pretending you’re in Bali when you’re actually just trying to avoid your ex who’s 100% still in the city.
3. The Salty Sailor (South Melbourne)
Want to feel like you’re on a pirate ship without the actual seasickness? The Salty Sailor in South Melbourne is your spot. They serve up tropical drinks in coconut cups and have a “no phones allowed” policy at the bar—because the only thing you should be documenting is your third round of rum cocktails, not your ability to take a “selfie with the sunset.”
4. The Beerologist (Richmond)
If you’re the type of person who says, “I’m a beer snob, but I still like lagers,” then The Beerologist in Richmond is your new spiritual home. They’ve got more types of beer than you can pronounce, and the staff will helpfully translate terms like “IPA” and “sour” into English for you. (Spoiler: They’re both overpriced, but worth it.)
5. The Secret Garden (Kensington)
Think of The Secret Garden in Kensington as your secret hideout from the chaos of Melbourne’s bar scene. It’s tucked away in a backyard with fairy lights, a hidden door (because of course it is), and a menu that includes drinks named after obscure 90s boy bands. Perfect for when you want to pretend you’re in a rom-com montage.
How to Navigate Suburb Bars Like a Local
- Download the Uber app. Even if you’re a “driving is my birthright” type, the suburbs are not the place to test your GPS. Unless you want to end up in a suburb called “Nowhere” and have to explain to your friends why you ordered a $20 cocktail and no one else showed up.
- Ask for the “hidden” menu. Suburb bars are full of surprises. Tell the bartender you’re “looking for something adventurous” and see what happens. (Hint: It’ll probably taste like it was made in a lab, but it’ll be worth it.)
- Follow the locals. If someone in a suburb is wearing a hat that says “I Heart My Suburb,” they’re probably the person you want to follow to the best bar in the area. Trust us.
FAQs: Because You’re Not the First to Ask
1. Are there parking spots near these bars?
Depends on the night. If it’s a Friday and it’s raining, the answer is “no.” But if it’s a Tuesday and you’re lucky, the answer is “yes, and there’s even one with a meter that’s broken.”
2. Do I need to dress up?
Nope. In fact, the staff will probably appreciate you in your most “casual but also slightly disheveled” outfit. Just don’t show up in a swimsuit unless you’re at The Salty Sailor and it’s themed night.
3. Can I bring my dog?
Only if it’s a tiny, designer poodle and it’s wearing a bowtie. Otherwise, no. The bars are 100% pet-free zones. Unless your dog has a PhD in mixology. Then maybe.
Ready to Upgrade Your Bar Game?
So there you have it, folks—the best bars in Melbourne suburbs where you can finally find a drink without feeling like you’re part of a Netflix reality show. Whether you’re in the mood for a craft beer, a tropical cocktail, or just a place where the bartenders don’t judge you for ordering a “white wine spritz” and calling it a night, these spots have you covered.
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Still Not Convinced?
Okay, fine. We get it—suburb bars aren’t for everyone. Some people thrive on the chaos of city nightlife, the pretentiousness of a $25 cocktail, and the thrill of pretending they live in a James Bond movie. But for the rest of us? The suburbs offer something better: peace, cheap drinks, and a chance to finally finish a whole glass of beer without someone elbowing you in the ribs.
So grab your mates, hop in the car (or Uber), and start exploring. And if you’re ever in doubt, just remember: the best bars are the ones where the bartenders know your name, the drinks are good, and you don’t have to wear shoes. (Just kidding—some bars still require shoes.)
Got a bar in the suburbs we missed? Drop it in the comments below. And if you’re ready to make your own beer, hit up our Contact page for the lowdown. Cheers!
