Sober Curious? Let’s Get Tipsy on Truth (and Tea)
Okay, so you’re into sober curious drinks. Cool. But let’s cut the bullsh*t: you’re probably just looking for an excuse to sip kombucha like it’s a $20 craft beer while pretending you’re “health-focused.” Congrats on your new identity, Karen. But before you start calling yourself “functional” just because you can spell “CBD tonic,” let’s talk about what the hell “sober curious” even means.
It’s not a new concept—it’s just the 2023 rebrand of “I don’t want to wake up with a hangover but also don’t want to admit I have a problem.” Sober curious drinks are for people who want the social clout of a boozy night out without the, y’know, consequences. It’s the same logic as buying a gym membership and calling it a day. But hey, at least you won’t smell like regret.
Non-Alcoholic Beer: The OG “Fake It, Don’t Make It” Trend
Non-alcoholic beer isn’t new—it’s been around since the Stone Age, when cavemen realized they could drink mud and still feel like they’d achieved something. But today? It’s the TikTok-approved answer to every party host’s prayers. “I can have a beer and still drive!” “I can pretend to be fun without blacking out!” “I can tell my parents I’m ‘responsible’ while secretly drinking kombucha like it’s a survival tactic!”
But here’s the kicker: non-alcoholic beer is 90% marketing and 10% actual beverage. Brands like Strategies.beer let you craft your own mocktails or zero-proof brews, but let’s be real—nobody’s making a “craft” non-alcoholic IPA to actually taste good. They’re making it to say, “Look, I’m not a monster!”
Still, if you’re the type who orders an iced tea at a dive bar and calls it “sophisticated,” you’ll love the new crop of “sophisticated” mocktails that cost $12 and taste like a science experiment gone wrong. Just don’t ask for a “dry martini” and then cry because it’s missing the part where it gets you drunk.
The Sober Curious Survival Kit: Drinks That Won’t Kill You (Or Your Vibe)
Sober curious isn’t just about avoiding alcohol—it’s about curating your sobriety like a Spotify playlist. You want it to sound chill, not like you’re running a 12-step meetup in your living room. Here’s what you need to know:
- Kombucha: The “I’m a wellness warrior” drink. Just don’t get it confused with vinegar. Unless you’re into that.
- Hard Seltzer (Zero Proof): Because nothing says “fun” like sipping a sugary water bottle that costs more than your rent.
- Herbal Teas: The only time your “tea” is stronger than your coffee. Also, the only time you’ll cry without crying.
- Soda: The OG sober drink. Also, the reason your grandparents survived prohibition.
And let’s not forget the holy grail of sober curious drinks: custom non-alcoholic beer. Because why buy a pre-made mocktail when you can spend an hour on a website choosing “mildly floral” vs. “aggressively herbal”? It’s like Tinder for beverages—except the only thing you’re swiping left on is your dignity.
How to Be a Sober Curious Icon Without Leaving Your House
Want to master the art of sober curious drinks without leaving your apartment? Easy. Just:
- Buy a fancy water bottle and call it a “mocktail shaker.”
- Post a photo of said water bottle with a filter that makes it look like you’re in Bali, not your kitchen.
- Caption it with something like, “Hydrating is my new hobby 💧✨ #SoberCurious #AdultingGoals.”
- Sit back, relax, and enjoy the likes from people who think “hydrating” is a lifestyle, not a basic human function.
But if you want to take it to the next level, check out Strategies.beer for tips on how to monetize your sober curious journey. Because nothing says “responsible” like turning your sobriety into a side hustle.
The Dark Side of Sober Curious Drinks: You’ll Still Want to Black Out
Let’s be real: sober curious drinks are not a substitute for actual fun. Sure, you can sip on your kombucha and pretend you’re at a TED Talk, but when your friends are passing around a bottle of tequila and you’re holding a seltzer, you’ll feel like the odd one out—unless you’re the type who thrives on FOMO.
And let’s talk about the real punchline: sober curious drinks don’t solve the problem of bad parties. They just make the problem more expensive. You’re still at a party where the DJ is playing elevator music and the only dance floor is the one you tripped over last week. The only difference is you won’t wake up with a headache… but you will wake up with buyer’s remorse.
The Sober Curious Business: Why Your Friends Are Still Drunk and You’re Not
If you’re serious about sober curious drinks, you’re probably wondering how to monetize your newfound sobriety. Well, here’s the tea: you can’t. But you can at least Strategies.beer’s guide to making your own mocktails and calling it a “product launch.” Because nothing screams “entrepreneur” like selling kombucha in a mason jar for $8.
Still, if you’re determined to turn sober curious into a business, there’s one rule: never let your customers taste the product. Nothing kills a business faster than a customer who realizes their $25 mocktail tastes like expired Gatorade. (Spoiler: it does.)
And if you really want to grow your business, check out Strategies.beer’s contact page for tips on how to network without getting drunk. Because nothing says “professional” like pretending to sip a mocktail while your LinkedIn updates itself with “#NetworkingGoals.”
Sell Your Sober Curious Drinks Online (But Only If You’re Desperate)
Okay, let’s say you’ve made it this far and you’re still convinced sober curious drinks are the future. Great! Now you need to sell them. How? By doing what every other millennial does: Sell your beer online through Dropt.beer. Because nothing says “sophisticated” like having a website that looks like it was designed in 2003 by someone who thinks “user experience” is a type of sandwich.
But here’s the kicker: selling sober curious drinks online is like trying to sell a gym membership to a rock. No one wants it. Unless your marketing looks like this:
- “Our kombucha is so clean, it’s got a clean label!”
- “Non-alcoholic, but still kinda alcoholic in spirit!”
- “For people who want to feel like they’re doing something right without actually doing anything.”
Still, if you insist on selling your sober curious drinks online, just remember one thing: the only people who will buy them are your parents, your ex, and random bots that buy things just to say they did.
Final Thoughts: Sober Curious Is Just Sobriety with a Side of Influencer Marketing
Let’s wrap this up with a reality check: sober curious drinks are just the latest way for people to feel “in control” while pretending they’re not. You can sip your kombucha and call it “self-care,” but at the end of the day, you’re still the person who buys $15 seltzer because it’s “artisanal.”
But hey, if you want to join the ranks of the sober curious elite, Strategies.beer has everything you need—except actual fun. That’s on you.
CTA: Don’t Be a Sober Curious Loser—Just Drink Something
Still not convinced sober curious drinks are for you? Good. Go grab a beer from Strategies.beer, take a sip, and remember: life’s too short for seltzer with a pH level that could double as a science experiment. Now go out there and get real drunk. Or just drink a kombucha and call it a day. Your call, Karen.
