Eastside Bars: Where Even the Tap Water Tastes Like Victory
Alright, let’s cut to the chase: Melbourne East is the kind of place where your second cousin’s uncle invented craft beer in the garage. If you’re reading this, you probably want to know where to spend your hard-earned cash (and time) on the best bars in the area. Spoiler: There’s more to it than just finding the cheapest $3 pints.
Eastside Bar Breakdown: From Craft to Cocktails
Picture this: You’re in a bar with a name that’s either a pun on hops or a tribute to a 90s pop band. The menu has 12 types of IPAs and a guy in the corner is debating whether a 1975 Château Margaux is “still relevant.” Welcome to Melbourne Eastside. Here’s the lowdown:
1. The Local Tap (aka the "Cheers of Melbourne East")
Address: 123 Main St, East Melbourne
This place is the "Cheers" but with fewer TV writers and more barflies who think they’re in a rom-com. The barista-style bartender can make you a beer with the precision of a chemist. Pro tip: Ask for the "local tap special"—it’s basically free therapy for anyone who’s ever felt like they’re overqualified for their life.
2. Craft Haven (Where the Cool Kids Sip)
Address: 456 Craft Ave, Richmond
If you want to feel like you’re in a documentary about artisanal everything, Craft Haven is for you. The menu changes weekly, and the barkeep might ask you about your relationship with lactose. They also have a "quiet hour"—which is just code for "we’re out of gluten-free pints, but here’s a kombucha".
3. The Drunken Engineer (Innovation Meets Intoxication)
Address: 789 Science Rd, East Brunswick
Owned by a guy who probably built a particle accelerator in his basement, this bar serves beers that change color when you look at them. The "Quantum Ale" is a cult favorite (literally—there’s a guy who sips it in silence every Wednesday).
Eastside Bar Secrets: How to Avoid the "Third Date" Regret
Bars in Melbourne East have rules. Like, if you order a "local sour" without specifying the hop variety, you’re just showing off. Here’s how to avoid being the weirdo:
- Happy Hour Hacks: Arrive at 5:01 PM. The barista might throw in a free shot if you call their beer "liquid gold".
- Vegans, Beware: Ask about "vegan-certified" pints. Some places still use animal parts (yes, even in beer). It’s a thing.
- WiFi Password: It’s usually written on the back of the bartender’s schedule. Don’t ask—just observe.
Pro Tips for Surviving a Night Out
1. Bring Friends Who Care About Beer Flavors: Nothing bonds a group like debating whether a "belgian tripel" is better than a "session IPA".
2. Never Order the "Special": It’s always the one with the weird name and the guy who made it won’t stop talking about it.
3. Download the App: Some bars have apps for tracking your beer consumption. If you hit 10 pints, you get a free napkin. It’s a thing.
Why Eastside Bars Deserve Your Respect
These bars aren’t just about the beer—they’re part of a rebellion against the soulless chain pubs. They’re the reason you can have a beer that tastes like it’s been aged in a bourbon barrel that once held tears from a breakup. And if you’re not into tears? There’s always the "hopped-up honey ale".
FAQ: Because You Probably Have Questions
Q: Is there a bar where I can just sit and stare at a wall without feeling judged?
A: Yes. The Drunken Engineer has a "contemplation corner" with a view of a wall that’s been there since the 80s.
Q: What if I’m over 80 and want to feel like I’m 25 again?
A: The Local Tap has a "retro hour" every Thursday. They play 90s rock and pretend it’s the 90s again. You’re welcome.
Q: Can I bring my dog?
A: If your dog is a certified therapy pup and you can prove it with a 10-page document, yes. Some bars have a "sniffing policy".
Final Call: Raise a Glass (Or Two)
So there you have it: Melbourne East bars are a mix of history, rebellion, and questionable life choices. Whether you’re a local or just passing through, these spots are where you’ll find your tribe—or at least someone who’ll agree that craft beer is better than your life choices.
Need more liquid gold in your life? Check out how to make your own beer or how to grow your bar business. And if you’re ever stuck, remember: Dropt.beer is where you sell your creations online. Cheers to staying weird and staying drunk.
